Reminder: Don’t read the Notes before reading the actual fic chapter.
*Please comment only on this and previous chapters to avoid spoiling.
This was rough. This is rough. (Get it?)
In writing chapter 1.11, I had to make content edits to chapters 1.3, 1.4 and 1.10, so feel free to, uh, skim those again. Editing all the HTML tags into this chapter was a pain in the arse, so I wouldn’t be surprised if there are formatting errors. Maybe I’ll find them later. Yes, the opening section here was a bit weak, but I hope things got more interesting. I seriously considered just posting up to the end of Nari’s visit but decided to plug through the rest of my chapter outline anyway regardless of target length. I didn’t really want to get into a chapter 1.13 at this point. The weird patchwork effect due to length doesn’t help the inherent problems in this chapter along with the fact that it took me a long time to write it out in portions, so this will need a pretty good fermenting period.
It’s a matter of maintaining a consistent if generalized timeline of sorts, and hopefully I fixed that horrible, awkward, eye-rending, narrated 1.4 non-flashback once and for all, but this leads to creating a flawed chapter 1.11. That is, I realize that in trying to make “Syncope” feel less shoehorned into its current timeline, I’m using some “awfully convenient” plot devices like the flashback. Hopefully I split them up okay and they’re interesting enough, but the ones in this chapter are definitely way too long, though, so I really don’t recommend trying this at home! Overall, this writing is even harder for Nari (man, I feel sorry for her). Makes me sad. I considered moving much of the flashback material into an omake, but like I mentioned elsewhere, this particular content isn’t “optional.” Just as in 1.10, which was abnormally long by my standards, 1.11 is also an extended length to fit all this crep in. Seriously, 1.10 took place on “Thursday morning” according to my outline, and 1.11 is happening “lunchtime through afternoon” that same Thursday. Crazy, huh?
The Haruka/Yukino/Natsuki/Shizuru dialogues plus split flashbacks were difficult to manage. I don’t know if I made Haruka believable or not, but I think she’s easier to stuff into believable scenarios than Yukino, whom I wanted to develop more for a couple of reasons. Yes, she does kind of take Mai’s symbolic place as a psychologist in places, but she also has a unique understanding of the situation compared to Mai. Is Yukino a believable extension of her anime self here? Well, she is a bit pushier here and almost conniving, so I don’t know if I managed to pull that off “realistically.” I think I did mention somewhere that I prefer the Mai-Otome version anyway, so I might try to shift her development in that general direction (i.e. more self esteem, assertiveness, etc.). Also, I was having trouble maintaining consistency in the honorifics, so I’ll have to double-check that later.
One thing’s for sure: I never want to do this again, especially with the four of them in one room. Feck. All that opposing character psychology AND trying to write Haruka’s malapropisms made for hell. In the end, I decided not to try to force too many malapropisms in there at all, especially where the dialogue is supposed to be climactic. And it’s not like the malapropisms were actually “accurate” since we’re talking about English limitations instead of Japanese. Anyway, I’d like to say this was the most difficult chapter to write, but that was true for each chapter preceding and… Yeah, you get the point. ^_^ What’s sad is that I had to scrap a decent one-on-one dialogue between Haruka and Shizuru because there was no logical place to put it. Maybe in Part 2…
On the plus side, this particular chapter didn’t require much research at all besides checking my own writings for consistency. Well, I did look up statistical information on ice cream consumption in Japan, but I’m too tired to find the relevant links again to post here. I decided not to add any KYA, since that would just confuse things. I expect readers to point out any obvious inconsistencies, of course, so let me know if anything is confusing or illogical or something. Please give detailed feedback and reasoning for suggestions whenever possible. ^_^
Edit: Something I forgot to mention because I already knew it (experience, not research). Carrying a small hand towel or handkerchief in Japan along with your own tissue packets is pretty necessary; not only are there bathrooms that don’t supply toilet paper, but certainly most places don’t supply paper towels and the hand blowers are only just getting somewhat popular now. I imagine this saves a ton of paper waste. (You don’t actually use a handkerchief to blow your nose!)
Man, this was tiring.
8 thoughts on “1.11 Notes”
Letâ€˜s see if I can do this. My hands are not in prime condition, you see. I actually waited to read until I was safe typing at all. Now, on to my thoughts and even some questionable advice!
I actually found a couple mistakes *shock*. They were all in the same part too.
The â€˜chanâ€™ on Haruka has an extra letter in this part:
Yukino broke the increasing awkwardness with some relief. â€œI suppose Haruka-chain would be the one to think this, but itâ€™s time to properly move forward already.â€
You also refer to Natsuki as Yukinoâ€™s junior. As I remember Natsuki is a year older (held back already due to being in the hospital so long after the infamous car accident), and in the anime they are both first years.
In the same bit there was something I found a little awkward:
â€œItâ€™s been a challenge, but a good one. Of course, Haruka-chan always says I would never have trouble with it and to just follow her lead.
Itâ€™s â€˜always says I would never have troubleâ€™ that bothers me. I think thereâ€™s a bit of a tense problem between â€˜alwaysâ€™, â€˜saysâ€™, and â€˜wouldâ€™. The simplest way to change it would be to replace â€˜would neverâ€™ with â€˜wonâ€™tâ€™.
I love the scene with Natsuki and Yukino though. Yukino is a very believable medium to express those particular revelations. Iâ€™ve always thought that the otome version of Yukino showed what time and confidence would do for her character. She has a unique perspective, between her feelings which are openly compared to Shizuruâ€™s and the part she played in the festival. The role her child (and her own tendencies) made her perfect for was strategic observation.
I liked all of the scenes actually. Nari, who seemed a bit blank and evil to me at first, which is ok because youâ€™re not supposed to give a character away all at once, is shaping up to be quite interesting (and possibly a bit tragic).
I think all of Harukaâ€™s emotional reactions felt very real. As far as the vocabulary mix-ups go, she really doesnâ€™t make as many in the series as many fans seem to think. Iâ€™d forgive you even if you had as few as one per scene, haha!
Right, thatâ€™s it. Still love it and still acknowledge that your writing skills far outstrip my own. I look forward to hearing from you again.
Thank you, love. ^_^ I really do appreciate your advice and “debugging” (omg, that error down there).
Ouch! Is it carpal tunnel or tendonitis? My condolences, and I really hope it’s temporary/treatable. (And being honored that you went to such trouble for a comment. ^^;)
Oh, I’m quite certain there are many more mistakes. [wink] Just not horribly obvious, at least?
Yay, that’s easy enough to fix.
…Holy feck, that’s an appalling error on my part. Pretty critical. STAT! I’ll have to fix this first thing tomorrow morning, since it’s not just a single incidence of “junior” but a whole mess of junior/senior/sempai/kouhai crep. Ew. Thanks. ^_^;;;
Yep, it’s awkward. I think I’ll add a “has” before “always,” though, and fix from there.
It means a lot to me to know at least one other person thinks my characterization isn’t too far off or unrealistic.
^__^ Good and good.
Thanks again for the advice!
Fixed as of today:
Yukino/Natsuki sr/jr error
Yukino ‘Kanzaki/Reito’ inconsistency (check against previous chapters later)
Some adjective/noun redundancies
A couple spelling, one grammar
“equidistant” positioning confusion
Only the first one is really major, fortunately.
Removed this. I realized it kinda psychologically contradicted stuff later. Heh.
You’re very welcome, of course.
It’s tendinitis, and it looks like it should be manageable if I continue to limit what I use my hands for, for the next couple weeks. Replying here actually provided me with a test of sorts to see if I’d be ok to go back to work part time (I do data entry…)
You’re quick with your revisions. I’m impressed- and don’t be too embarrassed. If I told you some of the continuity errors I’d put into stories it would probably provide a few good laughs. I once forgot what color a main character’s eyes were… Some of the other mistakes I’m not willing to admit to just now.
Anyway, cheers for now. Happy writing and good luck.
I hope you’re using decent splints. Also, a friend with tendinitis said a split keyboard helps her; maybe you have that option. Anyway, don’t overdo it. ;)
Hah, that does make me feel a little better. Thanks, and I’m onto working out the 1.12 outline. It’s going to be a doozy.
I don’t really have splints but I’ve acquired an interesting and fairly effective array of padded arm rests. Thanks for the concern ^_^.
So, I noticed your plug on the shizunatsu LJ. I’m not really “fresh eyes”, but if you wanted me to do a bit more thorough look over on things (I can be pickier when I give myself more time), I’d be happy to. Of course, there are some really good writers that sometimes check in there that might be interested in the job.
Actually, I was thinking this before… but it’s kind of appalling that no one else has commented here. Ah well, maybe they’ll see you’ve updated now and start rolling in any time.
Is my assumption that my registering for this site gives you fairly simple access to my email correct? Well, for now I’ll continue laboring under that impression. Feel free to contact me should you so desire.
I would never decline a sincere critique from anyone, anytime, regardless of length; I mean, someone might leave a super long technical critique on style elements and such, and someone else leaves a short question on a psychologically illogical line of dialogue, but it’s all useful to me. It’s not like I’m requesting a super dedicated beta reader and a specific schedule of promises or anything. (It’s not like I can maintain that kind of schedule either. LOL)
As for why there’s a deficiency of comments at all, I’m chalking it up to the summer vacation season (and it’s close to July 4th here). I understand most people are also lurkers. That’s all fine. I know I’d get a lot more hits if I shifted to FFnet, but I’m just unwilling to trade quality for quantity of comment hits at this point (I’m not saying I don’t like random comments, of course, but I’ll just assume any hit on this site from someone who doesn’t leave a comment is someone who liked it but is a lurker).
And yes, it looks like direct registration on this site will leave contact information in the WordPress database, but anyone who logs in with OpenID does so externally, I guess.