Reminder: Don’t read the Notes before reading the actual fic chapter.
*Please comment only on this and previous chapters to avoid spoiling.
Holy fecking gods. Yeah, so this is only “half” of the original chapter outline I wanted to write, but it still ended up longer than normal by around three pages. This means I split up the outline material and there will be at least 11 chapters now, which is a good thing since I think I need more room to develop some things properly. Heh. A lot more talky than I intended. Also, I never intended to put the garden flashback there, but it just happened. Oops. The intended flashback has to go into the next chapter or elsewhere. ^^;
Okay, back to how I went “disease shopping” at the beginning of the story:
Japanese encephalitis: (1) It had to be native to at least Japan and unknown in the Western hemisphere; (2) there had to be enough danger, but a majority survival rate; (3) the symptoms had to be fairly generic at the onset; (4) can’t be contagious since I didn’t want Natsuki getting sick; (5) symptoms should occur some reasonable period of time after the vector event to avoid too much suspicion; (6) there had to be enough variety in symptom manifestation that I could fudge stuff. (Of course, all of this is to reach a certain scene… um.)
I didn’t find any solid information on whether or not there are required immunizations for it in Japan. Here’s a cookie to people who remembered the very first sentence about the mosquito bite. That is indeed the vector. :P I assumed most readers would just chalk that up to a narration detail.
There was, however, a huge timing problem after I shifted the entire timeline from summer break back to the Japanese spring break. See, the disease peaks during the summer months in Japan, and even in the southern islands (Okinawa is subtropical), the earliest spring window is supposed to be in April, not March–the time I had them go off on their “trip.” Oh, well.
Randoms: Many (Western) hospitals ban cell phones, but I did find one amateur reference that mentioned cell phones are widely used in Japanese hospitals. I wasn’t sure how to structure the hospital bathroom setup (which will be a reused setting later, I think), but I decided that since it was a more “expensive” private room, it could have a more traditional ofuro+shower/toilet/sink setup. Shared rooms in Japanese hospitals are, of course, cheapest, and they use a communal bathroom/ofuro.
More important stuff: Mai makes another appearance. I figured that a good friend of Natsuki’s is going to eventually get to know Shizuru, if everyone is on the level with each other, so to speak. Hm. But I decided not to let Mai in on their secrets just yet; that would seem a bit too nosy especially when those two haven’t even fully dealt with it (well, in my world, that is).
(…Wow, that was a lot of useless crep. Assuming I lost most of the readers by the first paragraph. :P Am I using too much detail and slowing the pace in places? Or maybe it’s going faster now because there’s less narration. Hmm, can’t tell. Looking back to 1.1, I see that I had far more narration than I do now. Did I mention that I dislike building dialogue? I don’t know… I kind of want to go back to the narration style I had earlier, but dialogue has been a lot more necessary lately… which takes me a lot longer to write.)
Looking forward to: More interactions with Reito, Yukino, Haruka, Nao.
40 thoughts on “1.6 NOTES”
Assuming I lost most of the readers by the first paragraph. :P
Oh, crap… I was cheated again and managed to read it to the end… thinking even that it was interesting ;D
Very good chapter, I enjoyed it a lot. You shouldn’t be worry, the pace is perfect, the amount of details is perfect, the dialogues are brilliant. Everything is fine. So I’m looking forward to the next chapter.:)
Heh, thanks. :) I suppose what I’m really worried about is maintaining consistency throughout, but that might be difficult since, as my first fic, my experience and style may evolve (for the better? One can hope).
Excellent chapter. Keep it in whatever way you want, just do what you view as more comfortable for each part.
Thanks. That’s the general plan, but it tends to like rewriting itself. (Trait’rous plan…)
Very nice chapter! Loving every piece of it. The wait was definitively worthwhile. Great balance between dialogue and inner talkâ€¦ loving the piece where Shizuru and Mai talk and where Shizuru reflecting on Maiâ€™s answersâ€¦ that was superbly presented. Itâ€™s nice to see Shizuru thought process you knowâ€¦ Please continue your excellent work. & Of course, so nice to see Natsuki carrying ways for Shizuruâ€¦ it warms my little heart ^_^
Glad you enjoyed it. Ironically, I was originally planning a much larger conversation between Mai and Shizuru, but realized that wouldn’t fit so well (re:secrets). Maybe I’ll let them interact some more later.
Btw, forget to mention that I am taking my cookies! for the mosquito thing ^_^ HAHAHAHAHAHA
I really enjoy reading this story and I love that you’re including a variety of characters while focusing on Shizuru and Natsuki’s relationship. It’s a nice change of pace from most fics, :) The level of research you do for this story is amazing and I can’t wait to see where it all goes.
I pondered–for a half second–including the rest of the cast like Takumi, Mikoto, Yukariko, but that’s just too much. (Either they’re not present by the end of the series, I don’t feel comfortable representing their characters, or… I disliked the character, ha!) Thanks. :)
I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter and was hooked from start to end. It seems kinda duh..but I personally didn’t know that you were doing subchapters and if I CAN do the math correctly, then this fic will be indeed…long. Not that I am complaining of course, it only seems more interesting since most of the character development gonna have to take place and that notion itself is quite long.
I cannot wait for interactions with Reito and others. So that shall also prove interesting.
Oh, and I fail to mention, I <3 the last part about the plushie. I thought that Shizuru would secretly appreciate the thought and not go all out child like happy with it.
Toodles, and looking forward for the next part.
My sincere apologies for confusing anyone with the overall structure. ;) I think having the sticky post now may help–that’s a “duh” entirely on my part, of course. I didn’t realize that Livejournal isn’t the friendliest way to post this kind of thing if people aren’t familiar with it.
The original text I had for the plush was Natsuki giving it to Shizuru while she was asleep, but that’s hardly cute. Gotta give Shizuru her cute moments when I can, and she has a good excuse, being sick and all.
I think you did a wonderful job with the story, and no it wasnt boring form the get go..and yes I read the whole thing.
i like your character interaction..and I especially like that your developing relationships between Shizuru and other characters. Its a fresh perspective.
I like that. You have a strong story going, and a good plot.
my Stepdad got WestNile..from a mosquito bite…(well we think a lot of the famliy did..he got the Encephilitis part).which is very familiar to what Shizuru has..there are many strains all over the world that cause the Encephilitis and flu…and your doing a fine job of it..if you have any questions about sysmptoms and such…just ask.
anyway..your doing a wonderful job for a first story, cant wait till the next update.
Biggest irony I think is that I chose this for “flu-like symptoms” but I haven’t actually had the flu myself since elementary school, which means… I can’t physically emphathize with Shizuru’s position at all. Ha! Hopefully no one really noticed(es)… ;) Thanks.
Gah! Shizuru had me frightened too, for a minute, there. She was all “whuh” and natsuki was all “buh!?” and I was “GUH?!?” and then she was all “naah! ^^!” and natsuki was all “rarg” and I was totally “phew.” Wow.
Congratulations, you have rendered me completely incoherent. I love this chapter!
Poor Natsuki. :P
I thought I commented on this, but I must have forgotten. Sorry for such a random comment, but you might want to fix the minor typo here:
(third section of the chapter, after Mai appears)
A mild banter crisscrossed the bed as Shizuru half-dozed under the weight of the oppressive heat flowing from her body. She wasn’t sure if they were discussion her condition…
I really appreciate it. :)
After quite a bit of staring, I guess words start blending together and looking the same. ^_^;
Brilliant. I have to leave for a bit now (darn it…), so reviews won’t come until later tonight. Still, this will probably be running in my head the whole time. The way the character interact is just so -good-.
I’m glad you put in the garden flashback, I enjoyed it very much. Yay, cookies. Naolin remembered, but didn’t think much of it until now. I appreciate (again) the effort you put into detail, and you know there can never be too much. It’s not really slowing down the story, and since there’s both quality
-and- quantity, I’m loving it.
Nao’s coming? Oh joy. She’s one of my favorites.
Haha, enjoy dinner (or whatever).
Thanks for the comments, too. ^_^
Whoops. Looks like the first one got a bit cut off. With regards to the ‘sun’ bit, I was saying that line reminded me of Kannazuki no Miko.
Kannazuki no Miko
I haven’t heard of this series. :) (Maybe it has an English title? But there’s a good chance that even if I’ve heard of it, I haven’t seen it. Oh well. Time… Watch anime or write? :P)
*pokes with naginata*
I liked the old layout more. But that’s probably because I don’t appreciate change all that much. ^^;
And wow, you haven’t gotten the flu since elementary school?
Now that I think about it though, I’m not sure if and when I’ve had the flu. They’re all the same to me– colds, the flu, and whatnot. I just know that I feel “creppy”. :D
*looks around confusedly*
I think other than knowing that a cold is not equal to the flu… I know nothing at all. o.o
*looks at you curiously*
What anime do you watch? Maria-sama ga Miteru and Kannazuki no Miko are rather popular. Oh well. I didn’t go past the first episode of Kannazuki no Miko anyway since I was told that it just went downhill from there. Kissing amidst destruction and ugly mecha things isn’t that romantic, though.
*rolls sleeves up*
Alright, 1.6, here I come!
Hmm, let’s see, I felt that the first few bits of Natsuki’s inner dialogue (at the beginning of the chapter) seemed a bit… weird. A bit off, a bit different from the usual “flow”. It’s… hard to explain. I’ll try to give something a little more concrete.
It just seems like a mix between “this seems rather ‘unnatural’ as far as Natsuki’s thoughts go” and “she’s kind of stating the obvious”.
I don’t know, I guess I’m just a lot more sensitive about you being direct about certain things.
Now, I know how the drill goes: “show, don’t tell”.
But of course, it’d be mightily boring if everything were “shown” and not “told”, but you know what I mean?
I somehow get the feeling that you didn’t really “get into” the chapter until five or six paragraphs down. Well, let me give you an example. Oftentimes, what happens is that I start on a piece of writing and then my “style” changes a page or two into it and then when I read back, it feels “weird” but there isn’t a lot that I can do with it.
Do you get what I mean?
If you do and do sort of want to change it too, I will wrack my brains and see if I can actually come up with a proper suggestion. Otherwise, I’ll leave it as is since I’m not going to try and convey something that you think is already okay and stuff.
Dunno, but I think it’d sound better if it were “… which did nothing but increase her anxiety even more” since your original one sort of says that it was “just a wee bit” and it felt kind of weird.
Eh, I know I haven’t made mention of this before, and I do remember a reader saying how he or she appreciated the fact that it wasn’t done extensively in your fanfiction, but it seems slightly unnecessary here. By that I mean “the girl”, since you’re already referring to Shizuru as “her friend”, so… having the whole sentence like that is kinda ehhhh. I think it’d work more if it were just “Natsuki pulled herself…”
I like the Natsuki/Reito dialogue bit.
Mostly because of the whole covering-up-because-you-don’t-want-someone-you-love-worrying-about-you. I feel that it’s just quite appropriate that it should be brought up like that. Natsuki’s kinda dense sometimes. :3
Eh? Why would Natsuki draw a window curtain beforegoing to Shizuru’s side? I mean, wouldn’t she want it darker and stuff? Since she’s been sedated and her eyes are used to the dark? Since it’ll probably blind her, more or less?
Tsk, tsk. =) Kimura-sensei’s. *pause* *grin* You might’ve not watched Azumanga Daioh, or else you might have a really, really twisted sense of humour.
–> Kimura-sensei in Azumanga Daioh is this rather… um, shall we say, uh, “enthusiastic” teacher, who’s enthusiastic about high school girls. And insists on “taking in the view” during PE lessons– and did I mention that they’re swimming lessons? And enthusiastically promotes the idea of the girls changing their PE strip into something more revealing. -_____- He’s also rather persistent, since he lingers about and tries to peek through the gates even though the PE teacher threw him out.
Eh… this sentence seems extremely squished, if you know what I mean. It’s like trying to throw in ten million things into it at once.
Hehe, it seems so like Shizuru to do that joke thingie just upon waking. I kinda see it more as a way to reassure Natsuki that she’s alright enough to joke, and not that she’s being inconsiderate, since, well… I can hardly imagine Shizuru actually being inconsiderate towards anyone, least of all Natsuki.
And I would suggestion chopping out Natsuki’s immediate reaction to the joke (i.e. her thoughts on it).
–>”No way. This is a very, very bad–“
Mostly because I feel that no words would really express how she felt. It only seems fake here. Natsuki wouldn’t be thinking that, as far as I’m concerned. There are times where the shock just leaves you speechless, and that all you know is that sense of dread that you could really never voice.
It’s times like those that make me love the word “ineffable”, actually. =)
And it’s interesting how I just seem to know which Japanese word it’d be when you do certain bits. I mean, “ara ara” is darn obvious, but in my mind, when Natsuki yelled out “IDIOT!”, I heard “BAKA!” in my head. Or maybe I’m wrong on that? :3
How come Natsuki has Reito’s phone number? :O
I’m sure she doesn’t have a photographic memory, nor is she particularly good with having foresight and whatnot.
And Shizuru’s all so “daaaahhhhhh @_@” that she probably wouldn’t have remembered to tell Natsuki to get Reito’s number onto her cell. But it’s just like Shizuru to worry about the student council even in her state.
Hey, you know what? I just realised something…
Whoo, I might be able to throw that into my possibly-to-exist fanfiction. Go me. =)
Mm, it sounds foreign to my ears, but I like how you inverted the sentence. Mostly because I have a soft spot for it. ^^;
So she still has it. It was their first photograph together, taken only a few days after the first day they had met in that garden. She always called it ‘our garden.’
Ah, I personally think that Natsuki would’ve known long before that? That Shizuru still had it, I mean. *suggests you chopping out “so she still has it”.
This is beautiful.
Especially against the backdrop of “their garden” and that gentle ambience hanging about them.
*looks around a bit*
I don’t suppose it really matters much in the grand scheme of things, but I am still wondering who took the photograph of them? It kind of bugs me. ^^;
It’s unlikely that Shizuru would’ve brought a tripod and a camera along?
Eh… personal preference once again. But I feel that the “effect” would be amplified if you put “I’ll try my best” one line down?
(o_O Almost 8,000 characters? Wow. That’s… a new record.)
> What anime do you watch?
Just Honey and Clover II at the moment, I guess. My hardware is also quite dated (small hard drive, slow CPU). I’ve been trying to get more into manga because it’s cheaper, takes up less space (well, the books take up a lot more space, but it still ends up a lot cheaper), and it’s kind of nice holding the art in my hands, if that makes sense (unless I’m waiting for them to publish here, that is).
(Note: I don’t actually keep the chapter open while reading the comments, so I’ll have to go back to 1.6 to see about the Natsuki section you’re talking about.) Other comments noted.
> This girl, that friend, etc.
Oh, yes, I had been picking through those a while back, but I miss some here and there. Easy enough to fix.
Explanation: I didn’t think through that scenario. :P
I did see Azumanga, but it was a long time ago so I don’t remember any of the cast names (seriously). ^_^;;
> this sentence seems extremely squished, if you know what I mean.
It’s absurd to highlight the absurdity of the situation. At least, that was my intent… :P
By the way, choppy edits are my favorite. So much easier than rewriting stuff. But I am lazy that way. Chop chop!
> I mean, “ara ara” is darn obvious, but in my mind, when Natsuki yelled out “IDIOT!”, I heard “BAKA!” in my head. Or maybe I’m wrong on that? :3
You got it. ^_^
> How come Natsuki has Reito’s phone number? :O
A lot of assumptions. Mostly, though, I just half-thought about it like so: “Oh, if Natsuki’s trying to track down Shizuru or whatever and maybe she’s doing councilly stuff or something, Reito should know what she’s up to. Sure, why not?” Also, my version of Natsuki isn’t a complete dolt; true, our favorite blue-haired girl didn’t normally have a lot of foresight, but my version knows Shizuru’s primary concern is wrapping up council stuff, and while Shizuru’s incapacitated, it’s only natural that Natsuki ends up being a go-between of sorts. She could have gotten Reito’s number easily out of Shizuru’s cell as well. :P
> Mm, it sounds foreign to my ears, but I like how you inverted the sentence.
That was a product of unnatural waking hours, and I remember staring at it and wondering if I should just leave it. Yoda. Maybe it’s more poetic-y.
Yeah, photograph–more choppity-chop-chop.
> Do you know, Shizuru? You became my sun. I’ll do my best.
I was actually thinking about cutting out this entire part. It’s just a bit too sappy for my own tastes…
Leave sappy alone! … please?
*continues nefarious plotting*
Natsuki should be SAPPY! Since she lives in Sapsville.
Well, okay, on a more “intellectual” level, I present you this argument:
Natsuki’s mother was killed, and her father left her to be with another woman, so in a way, Natsuki is rather childish/underdeveloped as far as her emotions go. And since Shizuru was the first person to get through her defenses, basically, it is natural that Shizuru became her sun, so to speak. And we all know (or at least, I’d like to think that we know) Natsuki’s sappy and girly deep down inside.
But of course, you want to cut it not because you find it OOC but because it’s too sappy for your tastes.
I agree that too much sappy is “UGH”, but WE NEED THE FLUFF!
So okay, it wasn’t exactly fluff, but sappiness is a very important part of fluff, and since the readers are deprived of their rightful Shiznat fluff… sappiness will have to suffice.
Are you such a cruel and heartless wretch? Need you take away the TREE SAP, you horrendous fiend?
You know, Honey and Clover II just reminds me of Cheerios or Totally Spies! And yup, you wanting to hold the art in your hands makes perfect sense. But manga = no seiyuu.
Ooo, so you did watch Azumanga Daioh!
Let me revive your memory. Yomi, Sakaki, Tomo, Kagura, Osaka, Chiyo!
And of course, the stereotypical lesbian, Kaorin. -__-
Haha, I like pointing out choppy edits to you if only it means I get to WIELD THE AWESOME NAGINATA!
(Seriously, the naginata has got to be the awesomest HiME element there is. I mean, come on. Natsuki’s dinky little guns. -___-)
Erm, I think the sentence being absurd to highlight the absurdity of the situation was lost on me because I really didn’t find it that… absurd. I mean, stuff happens, right? So even though it’s unfortunate to have happened to our beloved kaichou-sama, it’s not that… absurd. Unless you’d like me to tease you about how you made it happen in March when it should’ve been in April the earliest. :D
Well, I’m not implying the canonical Natsuki was a dolt, really, but she was just always so reckless and impulsive! But yes, the idea that Natsuki should have Reito’s number in order to find Shizuru more easily works out quite well…
Chop chop chop!
(It reminds me of “pork chops”. Think we can coerce Mai into making some for us? *prods*)
No, Natsuki, we’re not putting your limited edition Kewpie on it. And no, Shizuru… we don’t need negi. -___-
(Oh, about the camera/tripod thing–well, the photo was supposedly taken on their second trip there, so she could have brought a camera at least. And someone may have held the camera for them, hence Natsuki’s possible embarrassment. ^_~)
Oh, fine. I suppose I must’ve been okay with it the first time anyway, right?That fecking tree sap, SO DEMN STICKY.
Ooooh, I got all the wrong ideas, thanks to
And you absolutely do NOT get to wield the choppy weapon. Hell no. And I thought Natsuki’s guns were… so… adorable… ^_^;;;
I’m not editing that freaky sentence until I get more opinions. ~_~ >:F
Actually, negi and pork chops…
I can’t vote on the poll (or I’m too stupid to figure it out) and it’s waaaaay too wide for my wussy monitor.
*does not want to imagine how horrendous it’d be scrolling left and right while reading the next instalment*
You replied to the wrong post. Baka. :P
See if the width is better now (assuming I did the hack correctly). Can’t do poll? Submit button doesn’t work? Ah, whatever. ^_^
In all my brilliance– *bows flourishingly*– I have come up with an idea for an omake.
That you will probably squish. >_<
What if you actually wrote an omake on the rural park visit?
(But that might mean extensive research…?)
Or maybe do a little snippet of their trip, and say how that photo came to be? (And now I’m wondering once again who happened to hold onto the camera for them.)
But most importantly of all, it’s because I see fluff potential. ^^;
*Du-chan barks in agreement*
And er, I’m not sure you’d want the negi after where it’s… been. *coughs delicately*
(And anyway, Shizuru with negi is scary. Scary in a rather fascinating way, but scary nevertheless. Actually, come to think of it, most people will be safe from her.)
I think I was traumatised after I was told what the guns were called by fans. (I get traumatised a lot, don’t I?)
The Kruger hairclip didn’t help any. I thought it looked rather nifty, but nooooo, people had to ruin it for me.
P.S. I think I mangled Du-chan pretty badly with punctuation.
That’s actually a good idea (rural park visit). Yes, a lot of research would be involved, naturally (when is there not?). ^_^;
Bah, you and your tripods. People can also just aim the camera at themselves, you know. Sony actually made a camera with a little mirror on the front just for that purpose. :P
And demn it, I ran across a wonderful photo of a little Shiba dog (or an Akita puppy) dangling in someone’s arms, and I said “OMG, that’s Du-chan!” But now I can’t find it again! T_T; Wah.
…EW NEGI JOKE. :O
If you find Du-chan’s alter ego, you’ve got to post it up!
And HAH! They couldn’t have done that for this photo. =P You can’t get me to believe Natsuki held the camera. ^__^
The awesome part about the rural park visit (apart from the sticky tree sap that I hope will result + lots of teasing) is how you get to slip in chunks of things that you’ve mentioned in passing– for example, Natsuki and Squishy the Buggy, and Shizuru complaining about it, and so on.
IS THIS IT?
It matches your description perfectly.
Huh? What did I do wrong? How come it looks so funky and weird now?
Aw, it’s so cute. There are two Shiba Inu on that site, and one’s called Yuri, and the other’s called Hanzo.
The fates have conspired– Shizuru and Natsuki were meant to be! (Not that they weren’t in the first place.)
[head explodes into messy bits]
That’s actually not the exact photo I saw, but it works great. (I suspect it may be the same owner and dog, though!) So fecking cute!
(Looking at the other photos there practically makes me cry.)
Doleful black eyes, tail curl, adorable pointy ears/nose. Perfect.
Maybe I should try out the gallery feature, now that I’ve paid for it? ^_^; A blog post link would be better, I suppose… Maybe get someone to sketch him. Either way, that’s how I envision Du-chan, only a bit more floppy and smaller. You’re good!
> And HAH! They couldn’t have done that for this photo. =P You can’t get me to believe Natsuki held the camera. ^__^
Oh, geez, I was just making an example. And maybe that’s how the trip photo came about! You never know.
> for example, Natsuki and Squishy the Buggy, and Shizuru complaining about it, and so on.
Yes, I thought of that too. :P Well, maybe it goes on my To Do list, huh.
…I’m wanting me a doggy!
*hums a bit*
I could sketch (or draw) Du-chan, but I’ve always had issues with posting artwork up online, so I’m not sure…
Because I abhor, despise, and absolutely loathe morons who just yoink it and do goodness knows what to it.
But like I said, the worst part is how I want to do a sketch or a drawing of Du-chan. Probably a drawing though, since fur is abominable to shade properly.
Du-chan trots up to you as he wiggles his tail slightly, and barks twice, his way of saying hello.
Yeah, also why I don’t really want to steal the photo itself. I’m trying to find an actual blog link on the guy’s site, and I’ll just link to that (which would go in the description post, now that I think about it).
As for artwork, what about watermarks? I know some people don’t like them, but I think they’re a necessary evil this day and age. I also wish more people would do them just so I can remember where I saved a pic from ^_^;; (which I never repost, but enjoy offline, admittedly).
:P Possible fan art from an original part of my fan fic? Now that’s something I never would have imagined when I started this.
actually drew the first one, perhaps. :)
I either go for “realistic”, or I go for “cute”. Like… chibi cute, without being really chibi.
And erk, I don’t like watermarks at all. It just… ruins the whole thing.
It’s like the equivalent of randomly sticking netspeak/chatspeak words and peppering “Syncope” with it.
Embed, yes, but… that isn’t going to deter people.
Hhh… or maybe I could do it, give you a smaller version, and have this crazily watermarked version for you to put up here. But even that’s too much of a stretch for me. I’ll have to think about it. =\
Oh, I don’t mind either way, you know. This isn’t an assignment. :) But thanks a lot for finding that photo! It’ll definitely go into the description post. I did take the liberty of burning the owner’s URL onto the image, though.
We’ll see, we’ll see.
I have to see if I have a bit of time on my hands for that, consider other possibilities… and so on.
A fiend I am, for following the way you address topics…
And yup, I think it’s quite proper/considerate to stick the site’s URL on it. I get a feeling whoever did that site wouldn’t mind all that much if you hadn’t, but it’s just being courteous and so on.
P.S. I’ll be e-mailing you in the near future, so just a heads up. (And to prevent my e-mail from falling into E-mail Hell with so-called aphrodisiacs or real estate things or work-at-home-for-$75-an-hour-without-previous-qualifications!.)