1.4 NOTES

shizuru

*Please comment only on this and previous chapters to avoid spoiling.

Not much happening here. Move along. I had problems with a specific transition section even though I had the other scenarios written out, so I’m just a little unhappy with that part of it… Just doesn’t feel right (yeah, the lame narration voice doesn’t help much). Whether or not there will be a rewrite of that section depends on if I get a better idea for the transition. Comment on lame narrative summary: I cut out a HUGE amount of flashback material, so I had to explain stuff another way; kept Natsuki’s bit because it was cuter. :P Anyway—

Another talky chapter. Uhhh…. hope it went okay. Crafting in-character dialogue for five talking heads and trying to add decent narration with flashback is difícil. Oh, okay, pretty much Shizuru did all the talking, I guess. [Is beaten by Haruka]–But really, I don’t know if all the details Shizuru gave make sense because I don’t know how business works culturally over in Japan. A minor detail. [“Ara, what do you mean? Would you like me to explain again? -twinkle- Please take a seat.” –Shizuru]

Yep, I had to move away from people calling Shizuru “kaichou-san/sama” because of the circumstances I tried to build. Too bad. [“About damn time!!” –Haruka] If I had the time, I would rebuild Mai-HiME Yukino to Otome Yukino, whom I liked.

Hm, what the shet is Nari for? :P I have a personality and role in mind, but whether or not I can portray it convincingly is another matter entirely. We’ll see. If her presentation fails in the future, um… sorry? Yeah. Lynch only with donuts, please.

I don’t know if Japanese schools have Western toilets these days instead of squatters. EDIT:(ifuritka) Okay, I just don’t remember most of the episodes prior to about 19-20. At least there wasn’t any conflict. ;) **Edit2: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_toilet For some inexplicable reason, I didn’t think of checking this; on the other hand, I already know the general details about the different types and where they’re generally found, but it was just the question of schools–and Fuuka is a private school. In any case, (1) that Wiki article has WAY too much detail, including the gross and blush kinds, and (2) I’m still going with the Fuuka Rule I mentioned down there in the comments. Ha!

And now people know what all that [click]ing was. It wasn’t difficult to guess, though. But who are these bums, man?! It was a little difficult to describe this scene because I was actually visualizing it (animated) mostly obstructed from the viewer. Uh.

Four chapters into this writing experiment, and I have to say that it’s been quite educational. I suspect really long flashback sequences are a bad idea, so I’ll have to work my way around that in the future.

Tired of angst? Well, too bloody bad.

Next chapter: 1.5

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16 thoughts on “1.4 NOTES”

  1. coolness
    i think they are western style bathrooms b/c it looks like the ones we have at school in the US. it seems that i also guessed right that it was someone taking pictures as well, since really that would be the only think that clicks, besides high heels. I wonder what Shizuru is sick with tho. she really needs to go see a doctor and get a full work-up. and this nari character seems to be bad news for ShizNat. Either that, or she may just make Natsuki jealous enough to go after Shizuru. Well, can’t wait for the next chapter

    1. I asked myself the same question

      I remembered that in the first chapter, Shizuru was touching a mosquito bite or some insect bite underneath her hairline. Would this have anything to do with her sudden sickness? I guess we will see in the upcoming chapters :o) !!!

      Please keep this up!

      1. Re: I asked myself the same question

        that’s right, i forgot. maybe she got a disease that way like west nile, malaria, or dengue fever. although malaria wouldn’t really happen since it is tropical. but dengue fever sounds like it may be right

        1. Re: I asked myself the same question

          Well, West Nile is mostly Africa/Europe and I don’t think East Asia is affected; dengue is actually tropical just like malaria. (Just stating facts ^^;)

          1. Re: I asked myself the same question

            and here i thought i might have figured it out. Oh well, back to the drawing board

    1. Not necessarily. I visted Tokyo this past March and even though thy were western-like stalls, there were squatting toliets in them.

    2. Quite possible (I remember those when we visited Tokyo), but it’s not a critical detail so I decided that it falls under the Fuuka Rule: “Fuuka is Special and Can Break Some Cultural Norms.” (Ha ha) ;)

  2. There can never be too much angst. Especially the well written kind. I’m afraid I don’t like Nari very much (at all), but that was probably your intention.
    ~Naolin

  3. It just occurred to me that it would be nice if we could get Haruka to mix up her words again. The only problem I see behind that is how it won’t be “authentic” since she would have to make the mistake in English, instead of Japanese. =\

    She had better things to do than waste time on a girl who was so willingly delinquent.

    Um, you mean that Nari thinks that Shizuru has better things to do than wasting time on Natsuki? Or what? It’s slightly ambiguous. And I feel that there’s something “off” with the tone. Yeah, Nari’s doing the “indignant-envy-fangirl” thing, but there’s just a tad too much forcefulness in that– not enough… reverence or respect for Shizuru, you know what I mean?

    Well, if that sentence was supposed to be Nari thinking that she herself had better things to do than to spend time on Natsuki, that would work out fine. But changing it so we know whether Nari is thinking about herself or of her kaichou-sama would be good, though.

    Heh, it’s rather weird– but interesting– to see Nari being such an atypical fangirl. You usually get the painfully shy kind.

    The faintly altered tone that colored Shizuru’s last word seemed lost only on Haruka, who scratched her chin.

    *grins* I can see this all too easily.

    Fujino wins!                                            Fujino wins!

    In the past hour, she had remained quiet, and from the corner of his eye, could see a faint strain on her face.

    Eh, I think you’re missing a “he” right before “could”.

    As he settled himself back in his chair, he stealthily slid his hand over Shizuru’s under the table. In the past hour, she had remained quiet, and from the corner of his eye, could see a faint strain on her face. While others may believe she was silent out of respect, he could sense her discomfort increasing. Her hand was cold and clammy. She squeezed back lightly.

    Shizuru squeezing Reito’s hand back lightly is a very Shizuru thing to do, but Reito’s hand happens to be on top of Shizuru’s… so that wouldn’t work. Unless you mean to say she used her other hand and put it over Reito’s hand, to squeeze back lightly? It would be overly detailed if you wrote “Shizuru reached and put her other hand on top of Reito’s hand over hers and squeezed lightly” (I’m exaggerating here), but maybe if you wrote “Her hand was cold and clammy. She placed her hand over Reito’s and squeezed back lightly”?

    “Everyone had excellent presentations, especially yours, Haruka-chan,” Yukino smiled warmly at her friend, who beamed proudly, “so I believe I have everything. Besides, I won’t be alone anyway. We ended late the past few times, so there’s no harm in ending early today, right?”

    I don’t know how to suggest how you might change this, since the bit right after “who beamed proudly” feels weird, with the comma there. I would suggest a dash, but you’ll have to break that up since a comma following Yukino’s dialogue bit’s right, but… eh. I don’t know. It just feels… weird there.

    The pain medication she had taken was wearing off as the meeting went on, and fighting to maintain a facade was difficult.

    Tsk, tsk, tsk. =) Heh, it’s mostly personal preference, but… eh, wouldn’t “façade” look better? Since it looks like it’s “fah-kade” now.

    1. “Yes.” Nari packed up, bowed to everyone, then left the room, her very dark, reddish hair bouncing slightly.

      I just feel that the “very” is unnecessary. First of all, it sounds awkward. And secondly, you’ve already pointed out that she has very dark, reddish hair before, so the emphasis on its darkness is not necessary as far as aiding the reader’s visualisation of Nari goes.

      Er, I know you asked research questions on how they called each other and such, but how come Yukino’s calling Reito by first name and vice versa while Yukino and Haruka call Shizuru by her last name (and vice versa)? Is this to do with the whole HiME incident, or did they call each other by that before, too? I can’t really remember. ^^;

      “For implying that Kikukawa-san may not be… up to the job. I mean, the standards had been shifted since you… Anyway, if Fujino-sama has faith in her, then I will, too,” Nari declared quietly.

      Erm, is she supposed to keep forgetting? -____-;

      -I

      1. Re: nefarious plotting
        <insert maniacal and convincingly evil laughter>
        =)

        Have I mentioned “disease shopping” sounds rather funny? =P

        Yeah, I know I should post this comment on the next set of notes, but I felt like writing it now.

        And short, dinky comments just look so weird.

        1. > Haruka mixed up words
          This is one reason why I’m really not looking forward to writing 1.11. ^_^;

          > waste time
          Hm, it took me a little while to understand your meaning, but I can see how you might interpret it as “irreverent.” I could just reword one or two terms.

          > atypical fangirl
          Shy or overly fawning or overly jealous… Annoying. ^_^;

          About the hand-over-under-hand thing–yeah, I’ll fix that up. Choppy here, choppy there. :D But I don’t think I’ll do anything with the “beaming” part because it’s perfectly correct… unless you have a more concrete suggestion. :P

          > facade
          Sorry, but Merriam-Webster and American Heritage have the final say over variant spellings. ^_~ I didn’t put it in originally because I didn’t want to bother looking for the special character to paste.

          > Er, I know you asked research questions on how they called each other and such, but how come Yukino’s calling Reito by first name and vice versa while Yukino and Haruka call Shizuru by her last name (and vice versa)?
          This is probably just another error, unless that was in the research post; I had been catching these naming issues on and off throughout while I’ve been writing. That naming post probably needs an update too. I should just keep a chart somewhere… And rewatching again just for this detail would be kind of painful. ^_^;

          > forgetting
          I’ll fix that anomaly in the flashback. :P
          For now, you must bear it!

  4. Attach

    “‘I will attach the notes to everyone,’ Nari added proudly.”
    Seems faintly reminiscent of a “kick me” sign- going around attaching notes to people and all. More to the point (that is to say, the reason I wrote this) I have really enjoyed reading this fic so far and am looking forward to future chapters (or future for me anyway), which I will be going to right now! Er, after I finish this. Also, even though I have yet to finish the already completed chapters, I would like to say CONTINUE TO WRITE PLEEEEEEEEEEES. (’cause you’re just so awesome)

    1. Oh yes. I forgot that I changed this per your suggestion in my OFFLINE copy and just didn’t change it in the online version. Meh.

      That’s the problem with trying to keep three versions of this thing synchronized. ^^;

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