LAZY BUM WINS

LAZY BUM

(Oooh, I can do it, too! …Okay, I definitely won’t do it very often. In fact, let’s not encourage it too much. ^_^;;)

Thanks for your efforts.

But what I care about most is the Shiznat component. =D

If you delve into Mai’s head, there’s no point to it unless you’re going to go through her life too and whatnot.

So, really, I don’t really give a darn as long as all the secondary characters act in character. Heh.

*waves a Fujino flag*
Yay for Fujino!

I read your post about having doctored pictures up for the new characters, and I felt like volunteering my artistic abilities for it, though that’s ludicrously out of character for me, so I guess this is mostly pointless, then. And I assure you, my drawing skills aren’t like… well, “crep”, as you might say.

Eh, I’m going to take a break from reviewing. I don’t know if it’s because your writing improved as you progressed or if I’m just a lazy bum, but I see fewer mistakes and fewer problems.

-I

And then I recently realized that would be such a bad idea. I mean, the whole purpose of inner dialogue is to explore the person’s mindset about something in context, and the only thoughts that Mai would have in this context would be about Mikoto, Tate, or Takumi, I think (expression of love, etc.), which would mean more research/review and crep. I really want to avoid getting into Mai’s head too much that way–I mean, she’s not the main character here. ^_^; So I guess the original reasoning is best for me, still.

Oh, I’ll drop a “drop” and an “even.” That’s easy enough. Yummy redundancy.

> It made perfect sense to you, but when I read it, it just wasn’t in that way and if I weren’t corresponding with you, I would’ve just left it at that, and… you know? It’s just that things left unsaid just sits there like that, and things grow from it.
But of course you know. =P Since you were the one who wrote it out like that.

…You really lost me somewhere there. XD;;; This chapter was bad enough to write already, don’t play with my head in the comments!

And first off, I think it’s good that you left the theoretical dialogue thing alone, since it would just be repetitive for most readers. The beauty of fanfiction is how you’re building upon it. After all, there really is no point in reinventing the wheel. =)

You would probably just lose my interest for a bit if you went and actually got Natsuki to explain this and that about the HiME thing. It’s better to have Natsuki sort of dance around the subject, and the not mentioning of the previous and theoretical dialogue is even better, since it sort of emphasises on the general taboo-ness of that topic as far as the HiMEs are concerned.

I mean, really.
Even though they had a fairy tale ending (this reminds me of the song sung by Alyssa), it simply cannot be fun talking about how they were killing each other’s Childs (Children? It sounds weird with “Children” though) and in essence, killing off the people they hold dearest to each other.

And in regards to a previous comment by someone else: I think the “Question. Answer. Question. Answer.” thing works best; it’s very Mai-like to do the guiding and prodding, and it’s also very Natsuki-like to be generally uncooperative and not volunteering information on her own.

If Natsuki started spilling her guts and wailing into Mai’s shoulder then… yeah, we’ve got a problem. ^^;

Eh, I think it’s better if you don’t have two “drops” so close to each other.
“… ran to put (down?) the sugar in the kitchen”?

Heh, the teasing at the beginning about the “date” (Natsuki: it’s NOT a date!!) and Natsuki’s cooking was rather cute and funny.

Mmm, a large part of it flows really well and I don’t have any suggestions, really, from the cooking lesson chunk.

However, I think it would be better here, if you cut out the first “even”, since it wouldn’t be an “even”, since Haruka and Yukino know, of course.

Ah, you make a good point there. Natsuki really isn’t that dense, but since she never had a friend, she wouldn’t know that what Shizuru’s doing is obviously because she like-likes her.

Oh, and I want to point out how I like the way you got Natsuki to think about the whole thing. I mean, we usually get Shizuru’s side, since it’s “easier” that way. Making Shizuru pine away is a lot easier than delving into Natsuki’s head since Shizuru’s feelings are rather apparent. I mean, of course they’re not going to talk about it just like that, and it’s kind of like the “toast and eggs” thing. It made perfect sense to you, but when I read it, it just wasn’t in that way and if I weren’t corresponding with you, I would’ve just left it at that, and… you know? It’s just that things left unsaid just sits there like that, and things grow from it.

But of course you know. =P Since you were the one who wrote it out like that.

Good job. This is a very good chapter– lots of insights into their frame of mind.

-I